Here I am, rising from the long lasting nightmare! seems like I’m sleepwalking, grabbing imaginary things in a place where nothing make sense. I am in the middle of the desert, what I thought to be a mountain with volcanic loving lava, was nothing but a murky swamp. It is indeed a hallucination that my emptiness drawn it in front of me. She was only a fake reflection of my overflowing feelings, as those guilty lying looks gave her away, and like anything forged quickly dissipated from my view. However the emptiness lingered around me in what feels like an eternity, drowning me in my own cenote of emotions.
I can’t deny, I’m in a really dark place right now, and its getting the most out me. I keep thinking of you, that imaginary you that I created. The fact that I don’t know how you look or how you think and what you like and don’t like is killing me. Thinking of an imaginary entity that does not exist is not easy, we never met or talked! I know I can’t define you or else you will stay an imaginary ideal, I want to know you as real person so you can shape yourself in me. I am literally missing my other half. I am trying my best to function optimally without you around me, being just how you would expect in a loving partner. Not in a fake pleasing way, or rather in a way that I’m being myself and acting naturally. That is why I come in peace with my emotions, so I don’t really hide them. Yet I’m so adaptable and always believed its a building process, and that is exactly my biggest dilemma. How can I fully build something when I am missing half of my code libraries? I really hope you exist as a real human in my life, so we get to build our two lives together. I am not desperate, I’m just trying to reach out to you in what it takes to find you. The isolation I’m in is hungering me for validation and a connection.
It is not something recent or new to me, I have always felt like I am wanted by many yet no one is coming near me. I keep myself motivated and my life is well rounded from most aspects, as I enjoy providing, creating and solving issues. Yet it is colourless and tasteless, as there is no one to share with. Living my life as if its a journey, where I am very thankful and blessed for the wonderful times that I have seen so for and looking forward to where my path leads me. I am just hoping that you come around and our paths lead us together. So I get to know how your eyes look, you can’t imagine how much I want to see them. They are a window to your heart <3 a single look can transfer an endless stream of words, where we can talk without even talking. Lighting each others paths letting all the glamour inside of us shine.
In all the stillness that surrounds me, where I am standing right now. There was that sensual whisper, but unlike any whisper it was rather a distant calling to my lost heart. A soul bond that is not something you hear by the ear or feel by the touch. A call to venture in that long waited trip to wherever our souls would want us to go. As they will intertwine guiding us the way, not by where I want to go or where you want to go, but rather where we would grow together and decide to go.
Its an adventure, a shared one! it thrives on the combined intellectual knowledge flowing from these two souls. Two people becoming one never meant to decimate each others minds, goals and passion. In fact understanding and trusting each others is what makes an enjoyable journey. When you want to share because you know that there is no other being would know you better. In fact you will start revealing yourself in uncontrollable way, the more your souls are weaved the more it will be fun, you would understand each other from the look, its euphoric! Its keeping each others, by flowing next to each others, you can fly like a bird and I can run like a horse doing what we want keeping each others the freedom to be who we like flourishing each others life’s.
I was standing at an intersection, where next to me was a bridge over a cold river, that you can feel it from the stillnes of it’s water. There were few distant callings however one of them stood out. It was that same calling in my dreams when I touched what I thought to be a volcano of love! I was shocked and I thought to myself that was just in your dreams. Just as I turned around, I saw it! that crystal piercing look, and indeed it was at the peak of a volcanic mountain! The mountain I have been forever looking for. I couldn’t help it but to answer that call, there was an immense sense of belonging in it! Is it really the journey that I have been packing for it all this time? I looked deep in that distant eye at the peak, wondering is it really you? my heart trembled in a way made me feel like a child! I know this is what I have been longing for. Since my bags are packed and ready, I locked my eye on that peak and started my march!
There is no trail or path to follow, even if there is I don’t think I would have followed it. I’m finding my steps, I want to run my way up. But I realized this can’t happen, because that volcano is active, I was furious and burning from the inside, and just as I was trying to checkout that lava yes indeed just like what my hands felt, its lava was like a loving healing balm. It was so healing that it made forget about everything and put the fire in my heart to hault. But it was just a little, there were nightmares haunting the scene. However as I stood and looked around, it was something that interest me more as I know what is it means when you don’t have dreams and you just have nightmares. That lava is fading out, I knew what to do without thinking I am letting my heart to guide me as I saw how much that lava glowed when it touched my heart, hoping that true love will let our eyes glow on that mountain spreading love and peace.
P.S This photo I took myself, and there is no editing done on it at all. I was walking in Amsterdam by myself, it was really a cold night, and no people were around. I took my thin jacket off, I wrapped it around a lamp post and tied it in a way that its hoddie works as my phone holder, I set a timer on the camera and swiftly took few steps away to pose for the picture, and thats the photo I ended up with :D
As much as I am afraid to let myself wonder in that deep side of me, as much as shes captivating in everything she is. Im only afraid because this is all what I posses, and I am willing to put everything and take that journey where two becoms one. I figured that I can’t be just letting those emotions flowing like a river, because what I am doing is actually gambling and the price is my heart! I built a dam! and its doing good. However my heart became so weak that I can feel it trembling!
There she is, just behaving naturally in every lovable way to my heart. I got intrigued by her mind! and what she tells me, let alone how well she can communicate with my brain. She is sitting flawlessly next to me. I really lost myself when at point she tried to tie her hair up, the way she looked from her side with that hair up, that crysral look she gave made me loose my senses for a while. Just like when I tried to massage her stiffed kneck and sholder. The moment I touched her I could feel tremendous amount of energy! It was very comforting, I was not able to tell who was massaging who. She is like a medicine to my soul.
I am shocked, I don’t know how she suddenly appeared in my life, when I most needed her and at time where I was on the verge of abandoning that shared life journy path completely. What I felt in her seems to be a volcano of love and emotions, I am taken aback by what I felt. I came closer where my face ended up just next to her head, and my chin is just above her sholder, that alone sent tingling spikes through me. And that is when I hugged her and I just could’t let go. I think my brain went into overdrive, where everything started to float in my head. It felt like my brain was not able to communicate with my hands. I got hypnotized by her sweet smell!
One visible characteristic about us humans is that we are creatures who seeks connections. Those connections comes out in many forms! We can establish them with nearly everything tangible and intangible. I have always created connections with things around me, regardless if its a living thing or not. Each connection you create, will give you an ability to devlope it in some certain ways.
However connections with humans seems to have a much complex nature since it generates much more emotions and there are lots of information being exchanged. They can also be prescribed as unpredictable since they highly depend on the other person interaction which is unique from one to another. Such connections varies in types too, as in family, frineds or people you just met. A very special one among them, which im not even sure if it exists or not. Its the one where you would be able to connect with someone on a very deep spiritual level, you will practically feel like you became one, as in two people become one! Well, at least I hope that such bond can be achieved. Its considered to be an ultimate kind of connection where there is no clear steps on how to reach it, and its unique to people who establish it, or at least claimed to :p
I went in many directions in my head, trying to pick a way to express what I want to say here. An overwhelming amount thoughts, and stories that are trying to find their way out of my head. I wonder why wouldn’t they just stay in instead of trying to escape?! I think in a way its how humans are designed! We like to connect, share and interact with each others. That urge to do so may vary in terms of intensity from person to another, however it does exist in everyone to some extent. When you look around, you find out that everyone is consumed by connecting to others, Virtually though! something very similar to what I am doing right now :) in which I have struggled to do! I have been always unable to really connect through these virtual mediums. I have had some trials with those known social media platforms, where I ended up deactivating all of them. I will not go about what I think about them now though. You can say that I have always seen myself moving in a different direction where no one is going! neither I do that intentionally nor I think about it, because I think nowadays there is no undiscovered trails anymore. Instead I try to focus on what I truly desire, because what makes our life journey unique is the combination of our pathway that we choose reagadless of it being stepped on or not. Maybe that would explain the reason why when I have decided to finally indulge in this virtual world, I have chosen such medium and actually built. What I want to share here is more like my intimate thoughts, a place to really know myself. Think about it as my diary. I have always thought of myself being like an open book anyway :D
Well, I have started this space in a hope to make it work as a window to my soul. My own space that I can share in it what really goes in my mind! A place where I can develop a connection with and be able to build ideas, while sharing thoughts.
yep thats me in the photo At the office swing. I go with many names, Nael, Neal or Leman :D
Im just giving it a test. TEST